A Conversation With Donnie Downer

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact.  Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." 
Marcus Aureilus

One morning while leaving the YMCA I fell in step with an elderly gentleman, I'll call him Donnie Downer.

"Isn't it a beautiful morning?" I asked as I listened to the birds singing their spring mating songs. 

"I see a patch of gray over there." he muttered. 

"Spring is springing!" I declared.

"Not in the north." he grunted.

I smiled and veered off the path toward my car. The breeze on my skin was invigorating. I felt happy to be alive.

My fellow gym member was viewing the world from his perch and I from mine. There was a gray cloud hugging the horizon as I extolled the beauty of the morning. It was frigidly cold in the north as I proclaimed spring was in the air. My reality existed side by side along with his. 

Believing you are obligated to heal everyone all the time by turning their sour into sweet can be an enervating and thankless task. It was a liberating moment in my life when I truly grasped the concept that we create our own happiness. I was freed from the responsibility of changing the perspective of another. The idea that I could be happy while someone else was not was emancipating. Being empathetically attuned to another is a quality of many of helpers and healers. But feeling that we must heal and change all those around us is an insurmountable task. There will be times when the most I can contribute to another will be a smile.

When you are in the company of a Donnie or Debbie Downer may I suggest that you attempt to respect that they have a point of view, albeit different from yours, but nonetheless real to them.  A grumpy attitude is an outward sign of inner sadness and pain, sometimes we cannot alleviate that sadness no matter how hard we try.

The belief that we create our own happiness, beginning with our thoughts, liberated me from the exhausting role of perpetual caretaker. But it did not release me from loving. Along our journey through life we will have good days and not so good days. To acknowledge that perspectives and attitudes ebb and flow allows a space for love and acceptance to flourish. We can begin to explore our world through a filter of unconditional love, first of oneself then of others.

Love and Light, 

Nora

It's All Good?

I have a confession to make. There is a phrase people are using that is causing the hair to stand up on the back of my neck. I realize that by confessing this it may mean that I am not cool or even, God forbid, "evolved." But to tell you the honest truth, I rankle when I hear the expression "It's all good."

Granted, I know that good comes out of the most awful things and I realize that there is good in everything somewhere. But I have to tell you that I do not FEEL the "ALL GOOD"-ness of life all the time. There are times when I feel the stab-you-in-the-heart pain of life and do you know something? It hurts. There are times when being a human "being" on this planet is hard to bear whether we are watching a loved one die, breaking up with a partner, losing a home, career, savings, health, a limb, a child, a sibling, friend or parent, or standing helplessly by as a loved one suffers.

As humans we have the capacity to experience both exquisite joy as well as acute pain. And when the experience is painful I do not connect so easily with the "all good" part. The expression "It's all good" is capable of shutting down the lines of communication that potentially offer comfort and an opportunity to share in another's challenge by extending solace and love. There are times when I feel as a culture we may need to create the space in life where crying in pain would be as acceptable as rolling with laughter. We need to be cautious not to encourage attitudes that deem inappropriate sorrow and pain. Mourning loss and expressing grief is part of what weaves the thread of connection between us. It is part of what being a human is all about. Feeling sadness and grief is normal and healing in itself. The dark and lonely journey into grief and mourning many times leads us to a crystallized understanding of what we value in our life. Grief, mourning and sadness can "unmuddy" the waters, peeling away the facades we have created to numb us to life.

Thinking about grief and mourning conjured up for me images of the past when people wore mourning bands and widows dressed in black. I recalled a scene in Frank Capra's classic film "It's a Wonderful Life" where George Bailey is reluctantly taking over the management of the Savings and Loan after his father died. He was wearing a black mourning band on his suit. There was a time when the sorrowful passing of life and the grief it generated was acknowledged and honored. 

Do I think that we should walk around with signs on our bodies of what emotions we are experiencing? Maybe not. But I do think that we need to allow space for the acceptance of pain in our life and in the lives of others. Yes I do. We are on a journey of expansion and a journey of love. There will be times in our lives when we will learn to love more through grief and through the pain of life.

There I said it. I do not like the expression "It's all good." While writing this I wondered, "What would I like to say instead?" I have come up with an answer but welcome yours as well. I would say, "I am searching for the good." That frees me up to be present in my experience but also acknowledges the hope and possibility that better will come. I expect it always. 

Today I value the feelings that flow through me. I see the richness in all of life and I bend with tenderness and caring toward those who are suffering and in need of love.